I’ve recently over the past couple of months struggled with myself and to be honest with you, I honestly could not put my finger on what it was. And to be even more honest with you, I’ve been struggling with this same issue on and off for as long as I can remember.
As of recently, over the past couple of weeks, I have come across someone who sees the world a little bit differently than I do, actually, differently than I’d say about 98% of the people on this planet. It’s actually beautiful the way he does. Since I’ve met him, he’s done something for me that no other person in my life has done for me. He’s made me think. He’s challenged me. And I don’t mean think about like life and what I want to do with it. I’ve got that under control. Since I’ve met him, he has constantly challenged me to look at life and what I do from a different perspective and this time, for once, he made me think about myself.
The other night, we had one of our deep conversations… well really, it was him talking mostly, and me just listening. I just love listening to him talk. Anyway… so he’s talking about his music and his passion for the art of music. He’s talking about it as he always does, with such divine passion and confidence. I’m not just talking lyrically as in the poetic structures of the words, I’m talking the poetry and the fluidity of the music behind them. So he’s going on and on as I sit there in awe, just listening away, throwing in my occasional, pointless comments and he throws this curve-ball: “What about you?”.
Wait… What? What about me? Can’t I just listen to you talk some more? Please?
“What is it about you that makes you, you?”
So of course, my first go-to was being a nurse. Caring for people. It’s always been what I’ve done. I take care of others. He tells me “No” and that’s not what he meant. He goes deeper into the question and asks me if there is anything about me, something I could talk about for hours, do for hours, escape to for hours at a time, that has nothing to do with the world around me… Just something that is for me and only me… That makes me who I am; something maybe in my past that influenced a certain something to spark and become a passion.
“I don’t know.”
No one has ever asked me a question like that before. I’ve taken care of people a huge majority of my life. I didn’t miss a year of school. I went straight from high school to college, got my associate’s degree and then when straight into my bachelor’s and have since been involved in my career. I lived 24 of the first 25 years of my life with my parents. I’ve only ever been in 4 serious relationships. I was a sheltered child. Only recently have I started to explore new things (i.e. modeling, npc competitions, personal training, traveling, etc.), but honestly, I’ve never really experienced anything to really say that I had a sole passion for something that ignited my soul without touching the lives of others as music has done for this friend of mine.
He made me THINK. He challenged me. For once, he made me stop and sit and think about myself for a change. Look at MYSELF from and different PERSPECTIVE. It’s been a couple days and I’m STILL thinking. Honestly, I still don’t know how to properly answer his question.
I think that’s been my missing link, however. The one thing that’s been missing in my life and the one thing that has been the true meaning behind my struggles for the past several years…. Not having a true sense of myself. Not knowing who I am. I’ve been creating this persona of who I THINK I might be, but the truth and REALITY is that I’ve never really known.
But it was his question that has brought me back here, to this blog, to writing. I’ve always been the type of person who expresses myself better through words on paper (or in this case on a computer screen) than I ever have been able to do in person; whether it be in poetry, stories, music lyrics, novels, blogs, prayer books, etc. I just find it easier for me to release everything through the written word.
Maybe that’s the answer to his question? Still. I don’t know… But I want to find out.
So now you may be asking me, so what is the point of this blog post?
Well, to do as his question did to me. Make you think. We constantly perceive ourselves from the same damn angle EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. We run on autopilot, follow the same damn routine… stop it and change it. Change your perspective and it will change your reality. Don’t like where your life is right now, change it. Only you can. This person that asked me this question has changed my perspective on myself and therefore has allowed for a change to my reality. A reality that has been my source of struggle for years.
So that’s the point. Look at yourself a little differently. What makes you who YOU are? What drives you? What is your escape?